"I can feel it - it's hard"

Somebody call the maintenance engineer quick. The Tessbot has started to malfuntion again. The engineer needs to look up the "avoid harrassment of male contestants" function in the TV Blondes manual and do a quick reprogramme. Poor Ricky Groves.

First up tonight - Junior Minder and Mrs Newly Mellow. It's back to latin, so Ricky is back to entertaining, which as usual he did brilliantly. He was light footed, if lacking in the toe pointing department, and seems to have improved a lot in his ability to dance with the music. It was a simple routine, but Mrs Newly Mellow, having been deprived twice of the trophy when dancing with the most talented male celeb of the series, seems to be playing the tactical game rather well this year. I was surprised at the comments and the marks - have the judges not read the running order this week? Do they not know the horrors that are in store?

Long Jump Jade and Long Tall Ian. Loved their viennese waltz and thought their marks were well deserved. They had great musicality and body contact, and Jade has improved leaps and bounds in terms of her posture and topline. The girl is on a journey alright and could well be the last girl standing.

Barbie and Ken were this week's subject of Bruce's attempted sabotage, with tactless innuendo just before taking to the dance floor. Shoot the gag writer please! Once again, Brian had choreographed an over complicated routine, and Ali looked as though she was struggling to keep up. He is a great dancer, but needs to rein himself in a bit, because he totally out danced and out performed Ali. The judges were harsh, and I thought we were in for the first tears of the series, but maybe they are trying to set Ali up with a journey storyline. Just like they did to Rachel Stevens last year. And that worked so well didn't it.....poor Ali, the first dance off cannot be far away.

Have a go Jo and the knight errant. Well it was skippy and a bit lumpy, but it was by far her best dance to date, and she actually looked to be carrying her own weight, rather than dragging on Brendan. She also turned in a far better, more confident performance. Craig and Bruno were out of order, but Brendan always gives good tantrum, and doubtless knew that the first ever Strictly storm away during judging would be good for a fair few votes. Bruce seemed rather quick to castigate Craig and to forget his own role last week in the weekly humiliate Jo ritual. Or maybe ITV were going to a commercial break and all concerned were playing their part in the attract the channel hopping audience charade.

The Lady and the tramp. James seems to be last in the queue when it comes to dishing out the music this year, because once again he had to make a fast latin work to a funeral dirge. Zoe was very flat footed, and lacking in sharpness, but she remembered the routine, and delivered a performance. Hopelessly ovemarked.

Adonis and Blonde Ambition. The first ten of the series. Yay! But it was from Alesha and so doesn't really count. Put the champagne back in the fridge. Lovely viennese waltz and technically the most accomplished of all the dances this evening. I was particularly impressed by the inclusion of natural and reverse fleckerl and only remember seeing that once before on Strictly (series 4 Camilla and Ray, I think).

Deer in the headlights and Freddie's love child. Time for a loo break so I missed most of this (two hours plus is way too long!). I caught the end of the jive, and he appeared to be doing some wild approximation to looking happy, so a small improvement then.

Joe di Calzaghe and his Monroe-alike. Well she was wearing what appeared to be a swimming costume, so that said everything about her confidence in her partner's jive. Are the judges allowing lifts willy nilly this year, or have they just given up on Joe? It was slightly better than expected and in week 1 might have made the lower middle of the leaderboard.

Natcass and the Italian stallion. She did her best and it was better than expected, but her footwork was pretty heavy throughout. Having said that, she was the only female celeb whose feet were not masked by a very long dress. Liked the dance, but I didn't love it, and I hope that she can pull out enough improvement over the next week to sock it to us with a great American Smooth.

Charm and smarm. Well the much vaunted dress tried its best but could not disguise the horror of what unfolded. There were 3 people in that jive, (and I use the term loosely), Laila, Anton, and the outfit, but unfortunately they were all attempting different dances. It was possibly the worst jive I have ever seen, and definitely the worst performance by a professional on Strictly. I seriously don't know whose technique was worse, Laila or Anton's and was flabbergasted by the comments and the marks. Not content with his crimes against the jive, the du Berk continued backstage with crimes against jokes. Not a pretty sight.

It was left to Prince Tuffers to restore some sanity to the night, and my man didn't let me down. Debonair in a grey tail suit, with the best male topline of the competition and some nifty footwork. He needs to work on his heel leads, although I am wondering whether the recent knee surgery is preventing him really driving through from the heel. Slightly undermarked, but he is not going anywhere for several weeks to come.

Sweet little Chris and Ola wearing what appeared to be a bikini with two hankies attached. Chris enthusiastically gyrated throughout, and had improved since last week. The marking had him level pegged with Anton and Laila (what the f?) so I frantically spent every minute of the voting period dialling his number.

I was enjoying the pro samba until some idiot from the audience got up and started dad dancing in the middle, gurning away to his heart's content. I was wondering why security didn't dash on to eject the muppet, but then I realised it was Anton. Horror of horrors! You might think latin is all a bit silly and beneath you Anton, but have some respect for your fellow professionals. They have supported you, so the least you can do is to refrain from taking the piss during a pro demonstration.

My good humour was swiftly restored by the appearance of Vincent and Flavia and yet another exquisite demonstration of why they are the most versatile pros on SCD. Blissful.

And so to the dance off via an excruciating guest performance by Spandau Ballet (yep, that will have had them switching over from X Factor in their droves), and a peculiar dance from Brendan and Katya that looked woefully under rehearsed.

So I was only half right this week. I had thought Joe would be with us for another couple of weeks yet, but his departure from the bottom of the leaderboard had sealed his fate. I have to say that they pulled off a brilliant dance off, and if only he had danced like that earlier in the competition, he might have stood a chance.

Poor Zoe, as I had suspected, must really be struggling for votes. The overmarking didn't help, and she has been getting some negative edits on ITT. James may do well to reflect on why this is the third year he has a promising partner, yet this is the third year the partnership is failing to attract votes.....

But the big question is - who in hell's name if voting for du Berk and Laila? Because those crazies have just inflicted us with the samba from hell for next week.