And Bruce opens his mouth to change feet...

.....the "seasoned entertainer" began the evening quite well with a riff on using Twitter, finishing with a reference to the Head of BBC1 calling him "the greatest twit of all". Not sure that that is so far removed from the truth, but I certainly laughed at that one. Bruce's wry and unscripted remark about learning that it is best to say nothing also seemed to be born of experience. If only he had carried that theme through the rest of the evening!

So another week, another Strictly, another marathon programme of so-so and mediocre dances. Tess seems to be back in the bad books with the wardrobe department, after a momentary lapse into good taste last week. So it was all business as usual then.

Kicking off was a foxgallop from the lovely Zoe and the recently-shorn Wolverine. Zoe looked every inch the business, with a beautiful dress and a lovely elegant look. I particularly liked the little touch of the neck decoration as it made her neck look even longer and more swan-like. It was a nice foxtrot, although Zoe was rather unsteady on her feet at times, and I can see why James opted for a faster tempo dance, as I don't think she has the control necessary to sustain a slower pace.

The first salchamba of the evening was executed by Ola, three handkerchiefs and Sweet little Chris. I barely saw a recognisable salsa move, but to be fair, I don't think Ohh la la has ever salsa'd on Strictly before. I find it hard to be unbiased with regards Sweet little Chris, but I do think he managed a reasonable effort. He seems to have a very short neck, which will always mean that his topline looks a little strange, but his hip and body action was promising. He certainly hides his shyness when it comes to dancing and just goes out and gives it his all.

Oxo Mum and Colgate Boy danced nicely around the floor, looking like a stately galleon in full sail. She looked radiant and relaxed and Darren, as ever, treated her as if she is the most wonderful partner a man could have. Bless.

Barbie and Ken. I should be bouncing up and down to see an authentic salsa danced to great, appropriate music, and danced to a high standard. But unfortunately, it was all a little vanilla for me. Ali's arms are very "ballet" and are very well placed, as oppposed to moving in true Latin style. It seemed very careful to me, and I think that sometimes the best salsas have a bit of "messiness" to them. And there was no sign of sex, or even sensuality there at all! At one stage I even complained that there had been two foxtrots in a row, having totally forgotten this salsa. What a shame.

You would have thought that after the week that SCD has had, everyone involved in the show would have been watching every word that they uttered. But for some totally bizarre reason, somebody thought that it would be appropriate for Bruce to introduce Jo Wood with a laboured "joke" about the amount of weight the celebs lose on Strictly, finishing with the words "Jo has lost a Stone". Seconds before the least confident celeb was due to dance and face yet another mauling from the judges. It was not even an off the cuff quip - somebody had actually scripted and approved that remark, and it can only be seen as cruel and malicious.

I was actually really hoping that Brendan would go on the attack after the dance, but perhaps he decided that discretion was the better part of valour. From the way that Bruce fawned over Jo after her performance, I think that even he realised the nastiness of what he had said (or maybe it was the stunned reaction of the audience). Seriously, I think the SCD producers must still be off on holiday, with the work experience kids running the show. I imagine a large part of the programme's viewers are actually women of a certain age, and publicly insulting a woman of that age group after her husband has ended a 31 year marriage to run off with the dreaded "younger model" is not clever. I very nearly voted for Jo myself, and the fact that she escaped the dance off yet again shows that there must be a lot of like-minded women out there!

Thank God for Natalie and Vincent to get the show back on track. Full of energy and joy, they tore up the dance floor and got me wiggling about in my armchair. Natalie has great action in her arms and torso, and I just wish that she could carry that through to her hips. She doesn't really straighten her knees though, and her feet are currently a little lazy.

Sportsman Joe di Calzaghe and his Monroe-alike. Well his walking is a little better and more rhythmical, but calling it dancing would be against trades descriptions. A little less time spent on the horizontal dancing and more on the vertical, mayhap?

Charm and Smarm. A nice foxtrot, pleasantly done and safely choreographed. Laila looked beautiful and performed well. I did not think it was worthy of the head of the leaderboard place, which conveniently placed them safe from any possibility of the dance off. Oh well, I guess it was nice for Anton to top the leaderboard once in his SCD career, and if he is jiving next week, he sure as hell won't be anywhere near the top! I also doubt he will be back competing next year somehow....If next week, he escapes the jive and gets the viennese waltz, it will be a massive conspiracy, cooked up in the highest echelons of the BBC, possibly involving double agents placed and trained by Simon Cowell.

Adonis and Ambition performed a very nice disco routine (strange, I hadn't realised disco had entered the SCD format this year) complete with superfluous back flip. They seemed to dance entirely for each other, and at no point involved the audience in the performance. And they called Tom Chambers smug! Anyway, I needed a lie down after the sight of him in "that" shirt, and am starting to go all funny again just thinking about it.

Flavia and oh dear. After noting that Flavia had been given the most hideous dress of the evening (yet again) and that Craig looked petrified (yet again), I think I must have made a dash for the loo during this dance, as I can remember nothing about it.

Long jump and long legs - another salchamba - this time high on samba content, but I loved it! There was energy, charisma and a real rapport with the audience. Once I had torn my attention from Ian's lovely chest, I noticed that Jade's leg action is a little weak, but she has great movement through her upper body. I could have done without the ending gimmick of a pose, and the ensuing wardrobe incident, but hey, I am picky. I was totally with Ian when he remarked that the scores didn't match the comments, and it seemed as though Jade and Ian were in real danger of being dumped into the dance off zone.

Ricky and Erin - gambled by playing it straight, and I think it came off. He still needs work on his topline, but proved that both judges and public alike can see him as more than the class clown.

My Tuffers and the most likeable new pro - well I loved it! It is so hard for a celeb to get the start of a dance right, and it is very rare to see a celeb with the confidence and ability to start the dance away from their partners. The only male that I have seen before doing that was Austin with his paso, and I think that was in week 11. So for Phil to solo right at the start of the dance for as long as he did at this stage was a major achievement. And don't even get me started on those lovely buttocks! Rhythm, natural movement, great connection with the audience - if he can do that just six days after surgery, and with only limited training, think of what he could be like with full guns blazing!

And so to the guest performance while they gathered in the votes. Not much that could be said really, apart from Amy Winehouse is not going to be a positive force for that young girls' career. We could all see where the talent was, and it was not in that dazed and confused backing singer's raddled performance.

The leaderboard was even more of a mess than last week, with ties galore, meaning that Jo and Joe actually had 6 points apiece from the judges, and that a relatively small number of public votes could have saved them from the dance off. SCD was lucky to escape a major shock in the dance off stakes, and the judges need to get the differentiation between the couples right, especially at the lower end of the board. With so many couples dancing, it is difficult, especially if they are trying to avoid marking very low and marking very high, but 4 separate ties is just chaotic.

I was kind of wishing that the judges could have put Craig out of his misery, but at least Lynda went out on a high. And I really don't know whose jive I am now dreading the most - Joe, Jo, Craig, or the du Berk's.........