Predictions for tonight

Tess will be dressed in a gown inspired by a Quality Street wrapper, and will bumble through the opening routine resembling Jake the Peg's less talented sister. She may get a bit carried away with excitement at the first show, and flinging her arms akimbo with more zest and relief than usual, knock Bruce's toupee flying into the lap of one of the singers.

Bruce will win plaudits for his ad-libbing should anything go wrong, but will make a woeful attempt at reading the autocue. If we are in for a really memorable show, he will make a gaffe worse than last year's "Jellie Wallace".

Len will feel threatened in his position as nice judge by the arrival of Alesha, and will be itching to get his Sev-ern paddle out. He may even get carried away and award it to Tess and Bruce's little jig, just to be the first judge to dole out a good score.

Bruno will find his favourite right there this evening and will not be able to contain his excitement. The public though will fail to share his crush and Bruno's plethora of tens (probably starting in week 3 of this series) will not be matched by audience vote. He usually seems to fall for either Ian or Vincent's partner, so here's hoping that this year he continues his Italian theme.

Craig will give a 1 or a 2, and look like he has a bad smell under his nose when the object of his disfavour is not dumped into the dance off by the public. Come on Craig - we know that you know that we know the score. A 2 is worth tens of thousands of votes, and a 1 hundreds of thousands. If you really can't bear to see someone dance again - give them a 5 or a 6 and the job will be done.

As for the contestants - top of the boys could be Joe Calzaghe and top of the girls Jade Johnson. (I am really hoping that the judges don't make her teachers' pet this year too early, because that will be the kiss of death for the public vote).

Dancing badly - Rav Wilding and Chris Hollins. Both will go through - Rav on his charm, Chris on his partner's charms.

Lynda and Ricky - even with a wobble, both stand to go through on fan base votes alone.

So could there be a shock bottom 2 - Ali and Martina? Will new judge Alesha have to face rejecting her best friend Matt Cutler? Will the ratings battle hinge on who has the most telegenic tears - Cheryl Cole or Alesha Dixon?